I’ve been very distant from writing for quite some time now
Whether I’ve been less in my head, more in my body, reflecting less, and experiencing more — processing things with writing hasn’t been as much of a priority. Today I’m feeling a little more sentimental, so let’s give it a go…

As the first quarter of 2024 is close to finished, I’m mentally and physically preparing for Q2 to take off at breakneck speeds. Jobs left and right, trips, travel, personal, work … I’m exhausted just thinking about it, but honestly so grateful for where I’m at right now. The versions of me from the past would be jumping up and down shouting and cheering for present day me, if only they knew.

The version of me that had just started freelancing, mid-pandemic, nervous, but confident that this was the right decision, despite little work on the horizon — she’s looking at my booked and busy calendar in awe that I’m making ends meet and I get to travel for work and for fun and I’m not beholden to PTO days, a desk, or redundancy.
The version of me that had only just moved to new york, knew she wanted more than to sit at a desk and edit other people’s photos, didn’t know how or when, but was determined to get back behind her camera and create — she’s pumping her fist watching me answer emails from coffee shops, jump from studio to studio on different shoots, and take naps in the middle of the day during days off in the middle of the week.
The version of me that felt so isolated, alone, empty, and wanted so badly to connect and feel close to others — she has tears in her eyes as she watches me in a loving and growing relationship with someone who supports me doing what I love, communicates her love and support and appreciation on a regular basis, pushes me out of my trauma-based comfort zone to effectively communicate and feel closer physically and emotionally than I have in a really long time (possibly ever??).
The version of me that was waiting for college graduation with bated breath, without a clue what was to come, but desperate for the next steps despite the terrifying uncertainty — she’s watching proudly as I find comfort in the unknown, juggling ever-changing schedules, running a business (!?), and actively live in the space that I’m in, despite discomfort, frustration, and worry, knowing that those are all a part of life, and not feelings to run from or push away. 
The distant version of me that carried around her camera everywhere she went, took photos with her friends in the basement, shot endless self portraits, taught herself how to use photoshop, and actively wanted a career that made her feel fulfilled, and pushed her to grow continuously — she’s speechless seeing me doing the things she couldn’t even imagine but somehow knew were possible.

As always this feels like it’s just the beginning — I have so much more to learn and experience, and I am trusting that those things will continue to happen in time as I continue to push myself and grow with the chapters of my life as they unfold. 

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