after spending most of the day in bed, only managing to accomplish an afternoon run and a shower, I finally sat down to my computer around 5:00 to do some work.
I sent out a few invoices, processed photos from a weekend shoot, and sent a few emails. I was about ready to close my laptop and retreat back into my bed when I found myself thinking of revisiting old photos of my time abroad.
I dug out my old hard drives, and managed to find where I’d haphazardly left the RAWs in miscellaneous folders. Flipping through the images I remembered why I had never cared much to archive these images, let alone keep them organized. I wished I had shot so much more of the beautiful places we’d traveled, I wished I had captured things in a more pleasing way, but the Fall of 2016 was not my finest moment, and it ended up being the beginning of a long downward spiral. The pictures I captured lacked energy, passion, inspiration, and joy, and my mind did as well.
It’s challenging to think back to that time, and I find it hard to believe it was five years ago. The person I was when I was in Europe was a shell of who I was before and have been since. She was someone who was trying so hard to soak up all of the beauty and take advantage of this amazing opportunity, but was constantly putting on a front of happiness that left her exhausted and numb.
I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back on how badly I wanted to be alone almost all of the time, it should have been enough of a sign. Things weren’t Bad all of the time, but it always felt like I was moving through a haze, not ever really feeling like Myself. It wasn’t until after I came back from this trip, spent the majority of 2017 struggling through a crumbling relationship, and putting myself back together a year after my time abroad, that I finally began to find myself again, and with that, some direction with my photos. There’s hints of it in these images, but it took a lot of self discovery to find the photographic voice I had been missing. While the photos I took in France are shrouded in memories of feeling lost and alone and confused and frustrated and tired, there is still beauty in them, and looking back through them now it’s no longer a reminder of those feelings, but an illustration of how far I’ve come.